A weird TBT post, I know. But things are weird in the Chaos Realm as of late. Weirder than usual, anyway.
Been seeing the previews for that TV show, Timeless, on NBC. I really thought it was a show based on the books by Connie Willis (about the exploits of time-traveling historians/history detectives.) but it wasn’t, sadly. Or thankfully, since I typically like the book versions better.
Right now, like a time traveller perhaps, I feel stuck between my past and a nebulous future (imagine if there really were such a thing as reincarnation, and you were getting hints of your future life–that’s what it feels like). It’s really weird, like depression, but not really, just a confusing mass of sh*t that’s all swirling around and hard to figure out. Or move forward. Limbo, essentially. Or a purgatory, Dante-style. And it’s not even really good nostalgia, either, just more of a hindsight wake-up call about the things I should done differently, and how I should have reacted to the situations I was in–made different decisions–chose a different path, character-wise. Chose to be me in different, better ways. It’s weird, because I’ve never been one to really dwell on things, just pick myself up, dust myself off, and plan a new adventure, or a new life track. But, after 437 beat-downs/put-downs, I’m feeling a little weary, as you can imagine. LOL Maybe I’m thinking about all this as part of life lessons for a next life…or so goes the thought path my imagination runs away with, on occasion. (The curse of being a creative thinker–always walking that fine line between imagination and madness, right? Those gymnastics Olympians on the balance beam have nothing on us!).
It’s like the past and some unknown future are being combined into one, and I can see the path lines that are shaping me up for a future. Time in the present feels like doesn’t really exist in this little limbo pocket of introspection right now. It’s a very odd sensation, because I’m going about my business of (endlessly) trying to find a job, feed the cat, go to the store, pay bills, take the trash to the dump, clean house, and other mundane life stuff.
Just trying to find meaning to it all. Sometimes there’s a little light in flashes of synchronicity (coincidence, I know) in lucid dreams that I’ve been having that are just so vivid, even for this dreamer of five to six lifelike dreams a night.
A few nights ago, I dreamed I was trying to warn someone to evacuate with their animals, and it kinda turned into a nightmare. I was screaming at them, “Just leave. You’re in danger.” but they just went about their day, like I was invisible. I didn’t even know what the danger was, but somebody was harassing me to make sure I told this individual. Like I was at work, and had to get a job done, but I was just slacking off. I didn’t even really know who the individual was, really, I have just attached the moniker “Figment” to the individual (as in figment of my imagination, of course) just because they keep appearing in my dreams.
So, I’m just trying to meditate, perform little rituals to anyone who may be listening, make a bucket list for my future life (lives) just for fun, write, and dream of figments and other worlds. Maybe out of all these practices, guidance will come from somewhere. Because I’m quite stuck. And I’m not used to being stuck. Or in an indecisive limbo. (<–bulldozer in human form.)