Virtual Coffee Klatsch/Kaffeeklatsch

If we were having coffee, I, with my unfortunate, characteristic lack of tact, would blurt out “I #Hate #Starbucks!”. The shocked silence will be replaced by an intuitive, collective global gasp across all social media. “Who #hates #Starbucks?!?!?!?” everyone else on the planet asks in wonder. Nevertheless, you politely ask me why, and I blithely respond with “Because it tastes like burnt sludge water and the only way it’s drinkable is by the ten pounds of sugar, flavoured syrup, a milk product of some kind, and the ten pounds of whipped cream they add to the coffee.” I suddenly realize that you look somewhat irritated. Or is that the caffeine deprivation? It’s hard to tell. But,before I can backpedal with something less insulting like “It’s okay, I’ll just have a cup of tea there, if you really like Starbucks”, I would wiping the contents of your triple-shot grande whipped cream-laden, vanilla mocha latte from my face (thank goodness it was iced) and watching you storm off.

Or, I don’t manage to put my foot in my mouth and you’re happily sipping away at your Starbucks (iced) triple-shot grande vanilla mocha latte with extra whipped cream, and I’m trying not to wince at the aftertaste the waxy paper cup is leaving in my earl grey tea. I would tell you about my very vivid, more-exciting-than-my-real-life dream involving myself re-cast as a dark queen manipulating humans on a life-size chess board. Or I would tell you about my elderly cat’s tendency to projectile vomit and how many FRICKIN’ times I had to wash the throw rugs-sheets-table cover-cat beds in the past three days, or how the other one is such a diva that I have sit/stand next to her because she won’t eat her special food/supplement for her kidney issues unless she has a dining companion (either me, or the other cat). At which point, you pick up your grandiose cup of coffee and your smartphone and any other accouterments you carry around with you and excuse yourself to go to the restroom. I realize after twenty minutes or so you’re not coming back. *laugh*

Or. if we were having coffee, you’d say “I know this great place that has delicious French-press coffee and a wall of fabulous teas” and I say “Okay, sounds perfect” and, for once, I manage not to say the wrong-boring-tactless-completely unrelated thing over coffee/tea, and we talk about movies and great books and history and current events and activism and our love for both Star Wars AND Star Trek and before we know it it’s time for lunch/dinner and we toddle off to a place with great (insert your favourite food genre here!) and we are BFFs forever and ever, and when the day/evening comes to a close we open up a portal that will take us to our respective alternate dimensions, and we make plans to meet up for coffee/tea/Klingon Bloodwine within a coordinated time cycle, perhaps in a galaxy far, far away.


Author: The Chaos Realm

Copy Editor/Proofreader, Historian, Freelance Writer, Virtual Assistant.

27 thoughts on “Virtual Coffee Klatsch/Kaffeeklatsch”

  1. This made me laugh.

    I don’t love Starbucks, but it was one of the few places to get coffee in the place I used to live, and the place I lived before that had no coffee shops, so for a while it made me happy. I’ve gotten spoiled living in a bigger city with local coffee shops, though.

  2. I happen to like burnt sludge water which is why I drink a French Roast that’s strong enough to melt my silverware;) Of course I also like tea, so we can have “coffee” at a tea house. And yes, the cats often will only eat if someone is around. As much as people call cats loners, the are social creatures to some extent. Projectile vomiting though, well, I may be playing with my phone during that part of the conversation.

    1. That part was a joke, because Somber Scribbler (blogger I follow) made some comment about how she wanted to hear about my cats, so I put a bit in about caring for cats with thyroid issues and kidney issues… (they are elderly cats)…

    1. After I had Italian coffee, in Italy, (at risk of sounding snobby–I am far from a coffee expert) I find a lot of American coffee, in general, to be pretty bad…Starbucks is always a handy scapegoat LOL

    1. LOL I do like strong coffee, just something that Starbucks does to it makes it taste burnt and bitter. Yeah, Somber Scribbler (blogger I follow) made some comment about how she wanted to hear about my cats, so I threw that in for a joke. 🙂

  3. Love it! Oh, and I hate Starbucks too. I agree, it tastes like burnt sludge and I won’t step foot in there to pay the overpriced fees for a bitter, burnt aftertaste.

      1. Oh, I drink coffee, but I have to make it myself. I am too much of a coffee snob to drink it at stores or restaurants.

  4. We have an independent coffee house in our small town that roasts it’s own beans and has won a lot of awards doing so. I get lazy, though, and too often grab a cup to go from Starbucks or another regional chain. For a while, I convince myself “this is good enough” and then I go back to the local joint with the hand-roasted blends, and it’s like having sex for the first time except that it lasts longer. So, yes–boo to Starbucks for lowering all our expectations.

  5. Love the word Kaffeeklatsch, just looked up klatsch means gossip. 🙂
    When I visited America, I thought Starbucks was OK in comparison to other options. I still don’t understand why coffee hasn’t taken off in the US, not like Europe and Australia. Great post.

    1. Yeah, that’s what a friend and I used to call getting together for coffee! I’m mainly a tea drinker, but the first time I had coffee in Italy…wow! I think I lived on espresso and gelato when I was there…LOL. I miss Europe so much. How did you like Australia?

      1. Florid-uh, at present (born and raised, though travelled around a bit, looking for my planetary home). Don’t really fit in too well with a large number of the people here in my hometown. Always wanted to visit Australia…I blame Victoria Holt (Yes, I know, don’t laugh LOL–I read a lot of her when I was ten or eleven or so…:-p 🙂 )

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